Parenthood: What happens in a child’s brain when punished or scolded

The parents say that when she walks her feet literally do not touch the ground. She moves so quickly from one thing to another. The whole day is spent looking after her. One can imagine how tiring it must be for them.

“Riya, no! don’t put your hand in the dosamaavu!” amma pushes Riya’s hand away.

“See what you have done! Spilled water again. Such a messy child you are," appa scolds her.

“One more time you play ball in the house, you’ll never get it back," thaatha threatens her. “Riyaaaa! How many times do I’ve to call you! Put off that TV right now and come for lunch," amma shouts loudly.

“Why are you troubling the baby, look she is crying," appa says giving her one whack.

Her parents are trying different ways to get Riya to behave or express herself in ways that are comfortable for everyone. They think that by punishing her, scolding, shouting, threatened or hitting, she will feel bad and remember not to do it the next time. They want to teach her responsibility and life skills.

Let’s first understand the human brain.

How does it work? Neural connections in the brain are made with all the experiences a person has during his or her life. These connections develop rapidly in the first few years of the child’s life.

In parenting terms, we often use the Triune model of the brain to understand the child – looking at the three parts of the brain.

1. The lower brain is also called the alarm centre. All humans are born with this part of the brain fully developed. One of the functions of the lower brain is to manage the fight-or-flight response system. It plays a critical role in how we deal with stress and danger in the environment. When one perceives any danger, for example, someone coming to attack, the lower brain gets activated and the person may respond by fighting back, or by running away to keep oneself safe. The brain seeks safety at all times.

2. The middle brain is called the emotional brain. It stores information and experiences and interprets all of it. It also manages emotions.

3. The higher brain is also called the thinking brain. It manages reason, logic, problem-solving, creativity and empathy.

In young children, the emotional brain is in the driving seat. They are often overwhelmed by their emotions. They express their emotions by crying, hitting or pushing, or sometimes weeping and lying on the floor. They don’t have the skills to regulate their feelings

The thinking or rational brain is still developing slowly. Hence, they are not able to understand reason or logic fully. They cannot understand, “don’t play in the mud because your hands will have germs”, or “don’t touch the plug, it is dangerous.”

Now, when Riya is spoken to harshly or punished, her brain senses danger and the response system in her lower brain is activated. She may shout back or run away. Her emotional brain gets flooded with feelings of fear, anger and even rage. The stress hormone called cortisol is released in her body. Too much cortisol does not allow the brain to function. It literally shuts down. She is unable to think or control how she is behaving.

If Riya experiences such stressful situations repeatedly at home, and at school, connections are made in the lower brain and her fight-flight response system is continuously on alert.

A child who grows up in such an environment, perceives the world to be an unsafe place. As an adult, when faced with stressful situations their brains get easily “hijacked”. They tend to react in aggressive ways or use avoidance tactics.

Earlier generations have grown up in a paradigm where teaching children was done through harsh means. Today many parents have understood the harm caused by physical punishment such as hitting, pinching, making children kneel and have moved away from such methods. But still, our primary method of teaching children is through fear. Raising our voices, threatening to take away something they want (such as TV or ice cream), putting them in a time out, shaming them or even withdrawing our love. Every parent wants the best for their children, but earlier generations did not have the information which we have today. They didn’t know that a child’s brain seeks security and that fear harms learning. Children feel confused when the person who is responsible for their protection makes them feel unsafe. The physical and emotional violence we inflict on our children is reflected in the kind people they grow to be. It also impacts the society we create for ourselves.

With these discoveries, we must make a paradigm shift. We havened to find ways to teach and guide our children using methods that make them feel secure and cared for. There are many resources available on how to discipline without punishment. We can try to unlearn what we have seen all our lives and shift to a more respectful and compassionate way of being with children. We will see the impact of this on the children we raise and on the larger community.