Parenthood: Reinventing the relationship with an adult child

We were sitting out in the sun, relaxing after a busy wedding schedule of our friend’s daughter, when someone noticed it, visibly obvious beneath his ear.

We had thought it was a small cyst, and all of us were quite taken aback at finding out that it was a tumour, albeit and thankfully, benign. Our son had not noticed it until now, so it did come as a shock. We quickly decided to cancel all other visits to friends and family so that we could be with him when he did his doctor visits and investigations.

Like all parents in a situation like this, we were shaken up and overwhelmed. We just wanted to protect our son, take care of him, and make everything alright. Being anxious by nature, it took an effort to manage myself and practise self-empathy, every time I panicked about what was going to happen, and what we would do.

While both my boys were growing up, I had been a worried mother, who had parented from a lot of apprehensions. I let my fears drive my behaviour. For example, when they were younger, I could never leave them in anyone else’s care, even for a short while. I always worried that they wouldn’t be well taken care of. When the boys were of school-going age, I would get extremely stressed during homework or test time, sometimes helping them too much, doing their work for them. I was so concerned that they will not do well without my help.

Later, I became a Montessori teacher and then a parent educator. I began to understand the importance of connecting with children and respecting them. I learned that giving children the freedom to make their own decisions builds self-esteem and confidence. I wished I had practised this when they were younger, and I realised that, this time around, I had a second chance to work on my relationship with my son. I wanted to change my behaviour. I did not want to sink into the old patterns again. Instead of trying to control everything that was going on, I worked towards being an observer, a witness, a listener, someone who had empathy for him and for all of us who were in this together.

The first time we went to meet the doctor, he listened patiently to our son, and answered every one of his umpteen questions, to put his worries to rest. Both my husband and I did not speak a word the entire time, letting our son take the lead in the conversation. We were just happy to be there with him, offering support.

Whenever I did feel stressed, and wanted to take over a situation, I worked on being calm and even practised being silent. If my son’s behaviour upset me or his choices were different from mine, it really helped to pause and then respond with openness to him.

Our family doctor back home advised me to give him nutritious home-made food and general care, so he would be strong enough to deal with what was on hand. I enjoyed cooking for him, and in the days preceding the surgery we were fortunate to have long uninterrupted conversations.

There were days when there was a lot to do and important decisions had to be taken. Whether it was the choice of a private or shared room, to allow visitors to meet him or not, to go home or stay an extra day in the hospital. There were different points of view, his and ours. Our son once clearly told us, “You must say what you want, specify limits, and then leave the how and when to me.” We slowly graduated from being overprotective, overbearing parents, to accepting his thoughts, needs and ideas. We gave our point of view without insisting that it should be followed. It was so refreshing to have discussions and understand each other better, instead of arguments about who should do what, each of us trying to instruct the other.

We often get into patterns of behaving with our children — advising, thinking we know best, controlling them well into their adult years. This leads to so much friction because we do not recognise that they are grown-ups and that our role in their lives has to change. When we can make those adjustments, it is possible to enjoy a totally different type of relationship with them.

So, this time around I made the switch. I was regulating myself. When I found things hard I empathised with myself. I was changing my habit of panicking and being stressed. I was able to keep things together and role-model fearlessness. I was able to connect with my son and enjoy parenting like never before.