No Filter: Don’t ask, Don’t tell

The #askmenot series was a campaign to get women talk about the questions that they no longer felt needed to be answered.

Most women in Chennai know for a fact that as soon as you turn 18, the ‘M’ word starts getting thrown around a lot. We all get asked as to when we intend on getting married? I’d rather if you asked whether I believed in the institution of marriage? Or you could at least ask me what you would ask any man my age — how do you plan earn a living? 

When these questions are posed by relatives, no matter how inappropriately, they can still be dealt with. But when reputed and experienced Journalists ask women such questions, it’s downright unacceptable.

So, what do women want? Why ask Mel Gibson when you can turn to any woman and ask this question. A few stalwart women achievers share their stories and hope to bring about some change starting with Namma Chennai. 

Actress Urvashi tells us, “An artiste like myself or any artiste for that matter has had to deal with a lot of questions. The idea is to provoke a response, even when journalists know it’s inappropriate. Don’t go probing after the dead, respect their lives. Ask questions to those who are active in a certain field and what they have achieved. I remember when Silk Smitha had died, a media person covering the news remarked, ‘Don’t you think it’s a bit odd that Silk Smitha is completely covered up?’ I found that very disconcerting and disrespectful. The media instead of celebrating Sridevi’s contribution to cinema dug up her past without a care for her grieving family and a sense of remorse as to how this would impact them in a difficult period in their lives. I find such investigations and behaviour alarming. When I was pregnant, a reporter had asked me that since I had essayed the roles of a pregnant woman in films, how different was the experience in real life? Really? You couldn’t think of anything else? Ask me about my work, I don’t see you asking any man about his children.”

Another actress who shared her experiences on this constant probing is Aishwaryaa Bhaskaran, who has wowed us with her performances on screen and gutsy life choices offscreen. She is the Indian equivalent of sorts of Angelina Jolie. who lived her life in the public eye and owned up to her mistakes. After all, she is human and I respect that. “I have always had to answer questions like, Oh, you have a daughter and no husband? Why are you single?” 

“Single women and single parents don’t get apartments for rent. Why not? Because I’m an actress and I’m single and I earn more than enough to pay for the apartment than any single man or bachelor you rent it out to. The media on the other hand is always asking me about my personal life. If you really meant well, ask me how I am doing. If not, ask me about my work.” Director Latha Menon had to deal with the worst one of the lot I think – people crediting her husband Rajeev (a very talented man) for her work. Did you really direct that ad or did your husband direct it for you? I’m sure there a lot of things he does for her – from picking up groceries or even flowers, but her work is just not one of them. 

The #askmenot campaign was brought to life with the help of Anaina Kandrikar, an aspiring talent manager and Saraswati Menon a writer-director in the making. Their stories need to be told as well. Anaina’s parents had divorced and they were known to lead a Bohemian lifestyle. “However, asking a child in Class 3 if her mother is dating Mohanlal just because they are doing a film together is just appalling. It gets worse every time such rumours have been published. She tells me, “Kids have refused to play with me in school and celebrate my birthday because their parents told them not to. The same people who avoided me would suddenly became friendly when a movie premiere was around the corner. I come from an all women household and they have taught me to be strong and unapologetically me. 

#askmenot if I do drugs because my parents used to. Instead what I want is for people to ask young girls like me what our goals in life are? Saraswati Menon, an aspiring filmmaker with clarity of vision and a writer with a strong voice tells me, ‘I want the same things to be socially acceptable for men and women. There are different things that define a gender. However, I don’t want to be limited by or reduced to a stereotype based on society’s perception. As women, I think we are just against stupid questions. We learn a lot by asking the right questions.  #askmenot about my family but about my aspirations. I intend to make films that reflect actual Indian women not the arm candy that we are portrayed to be. I want to prove that female driven films are viable and are the future.

Varu Sarathkumar, a leading lady today, is always asked about her relationship status, or how she is dealing with a breakup or when she would get married. She is one of the busiest people I know. Ask her how she juggles playing so many roles at the same time. Or ask her what inspired her to be an AD on one of her films. Singer Saindhavi Prakash has had to respond to many journalists asking her if she would stop singing after marriage? How are the two even related is what all these women want to know. 

Actress and director Revathi says, “From a young age, I got asked ‘When are you going to get married?’ How is this any of your business! When I did get married, the question was why was it so sudden? ‘You are in the peak of your career and are a superstar – why get married now?’ Then it was how come you don’t have any children? Revathy sums up what everyone of us is thinking, “Excuse me, why so many questions? It’s my life.” Don’t ask me what I do in my personal time in my private life. But ask me how I bring those characters to life onscreen and touched your hearts through my performances. So instead of the token Women’s Day wishes and forwards, do us all a favour and start looking at us women through a new lens and ask intelligent questions. If that’s too much to ask or too hard for you, ask us what you would ask any man in that position and nothing else.