Consultancy Corner: Listening, talking key to healthy parent-child link

Listening and talking is the key to a healthy connection between you and your children as it affects the mental health of the child. But, parenting is hard work and maintaining a good connection with teens can be challenging, especially since parents are dealing with many other pressures. The parenting styles commonly used in psychology today is based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist at the University of California at Berkeley.

Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. These parents expect a lot of their children, but they provide warmth, feedback, and adequate support. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. These parents set rules and enforce boundaries by having open discussion and using reasoning. They are affectionate and supportive and encourage independence. This styles tend to result in children who are happy, capable, and successful. Their children are more likely to comply with the requests. Also, because these parents provide rules as well as explanations for these rules, children are much more likely to internalise these lessons.

Authoritarian parents don’t explain the reason behind the rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, “Because I said so.” These parents use stern discipline and often employ punishment to control children. They are unresponsive to their children’s needs and are generally not nurturing. They expect their children to behave exceptionally and not make errors, yet they provide very little direction. Mistakes are punished, often quite harshly This style generally lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, competence and self-esteem.

Permissive parents referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. They rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control. Permissive parents set very few rules and boundaries and they are reluctant to enforce rules. These parents are warm and indulgent but they do not like to say no or disappoint their children. Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent. Permissive parenting often results in children who rank low in happiness and self-regulation. These children are more likely to experience problems with authority and tend to perform poorly in school.

Neglectful parents are indifferent to their children’s needs and uninvolved in their lives. They might make sure that their kids are fed and have shelter, but offer little to nothing in the way of guidance, structure, rules, or even support. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children. These uninvolved parents tend to have mental issues themselves. Uninvolved parenting styles affects children and they tend to lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent than their peers. The parenting styles of individual parents also combine to create a unique blend in each family. In order to create a cohesive approach to parenting, it is essential that parents learn to cooperate as they combine various elements of their unique parenting styles.

Notice times when your kids are most likely to talk — sharing what you have been thinking about rather than beginning a conversation with a question. Find time each week for a one-on-one activity with each child and avoid scheduling other activities during that time.

When your children are talking about concerns, stop whatever you are doing and listen, even if it’s difficult to hear. Focus on your child’s feelings rather than your own.