Parenthood: Are parental expectations healthy or harmful for a child?

“They are not our possessions to try to mould them in the way we think is right,” she said. “They are young human beings with their own thoughts, wishes, desires and dreams. They are not there to fulfill my needs and ambitions. I do not expect anything from my children.” Listening to her speak so passionately, many questions came to my mind. But aren’t expectations a normal part of any human relationship? How is it wrong to have them? When do our expectations become burdens for our children?

I also wondered what do we really mean by expectations. It can be as simple as wanting my child to eat her food, put away her toys, be polite or not fight with her siblings. Then there could be bigger expectations such as doing well in studies or sports, being outgoing, taking part in school activities or other extracurricular. As they grow older it could be expectations in relation to how they dress or who they are friends with, and then come the really big expectations such as, “Everyone in our family is a doctor and that’s the line you must follow.” or “You have to marry the person we choose for you.”

Expectations can be so diverse! To explore this topic further I brought it up with a group of parents, and got some interesting insights.

“Having expectations makes our love conditional and can be such a burden for our children. They feel pressurised to do things just so they don’t disappoint us. Taking a particular course or job, always doing well in school. Sometimes they even give up on their dreams to make our wishes come true, and gain our acceptance.”

“Children are young and don’t know what is good for them. They do not know that they will benefit from a swimming class or doing their homework properly, we have to show them the importance of these things. When we have expectations, then it will motivate the child to accomplish it.”

“All humans have needs and wishes. Many times we don’t tell our children what we want from them, then when our needs are not met, we get disappointed and frustrated. These disappointments pile within us and we explode, surprising and confusing the child, who is unaware all along.”

“There are expectations in all areas of life. If, as a parent, we don’t have expectations and they don’t take any responsibility, then the child may not be able to handle expectations in other areas of life such as their marriage, job, or other social demands.”

So many pros and cons, how confusing! I decided to look at the research on this subject to give me more clarity, and this is what I found.

Decades of research indicates that the most effective style of parenting is that in which parents do hold standards and expectations for their children, yet balance it with warmth and nurturing, listening to the children, and using reasoning instead of demanding blind obedience. Studies show that children from such homes grow to be more self-reliant, academically successful, emotionally better regulated and with higher self-esteem. So then, expectations are actually healthy for child development! Also, when children are brought up without any expectations they may, in fact feel, uncared for. This is something new I have learnt.

Yet, it is important to have some ground rules for ourselves when we expect something from our children. Every family is different; every child is unique. Expectations may need to be adapted to different children even in the same family. To have expectations or not is a fine balance. There is no right or wrong. So, how do we decide which of our expectations for our children may be helping or harming them?

In our article next week, we will look at some guidelines parents can explore on this subject.