Parenting tip: What to do when young children hit?

“There are times when nothing seems to calm him down,” says Suji, mother of a three-year-old. “He wants to pull my hair, bite me, and if I don’t let him, he yells and screams. I am not able to calm him down. I feel so helpless” she says, tears welling up in her eyes. “Is something wrong with him? Or is it me?”

My heart reaches out to you, dear parent. There is nothing wrong with your child. This is a common behaviour for a lot of children. Children show their deepest feelings only to the person with whom they feel the most loved and safe. So, reassure yourself that you are doing a great job if your child is able to show such feelings with you.

Does this mean it’s okay for them to hit or bite us? NO! It is our job to teach them better ways of expressing their emotions.

“Adil acts out so much over the weekend! Nothing we say or do is right, its such a struggle” says his mother. According to Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, children lash out because of ‘current and stored tensions, feelings of fear and frustrations’.

It’s hard for us to understand how many frustrations and stresses a young child can have. They have to deal with school, teachers, getting along with others, etc. They also feel helpless about having so little control over anything in their life. So they may end up releasing all the related pressure and anger on us.

“But my daughter doesn’t even go to school yet,” says Yamini. “We’re together the whole day, and at night the smallest thing can upset her. If I turn off the light, she wants it on. If I switch it on, she wants it turned off. After 50 times of doing this, if I don’t listen, she starts hitting me.”

Truth is, we may never be able to understand what exactly went wrong and why our child is raging. We think it’s about that light but it isn’t! Yamini’s daughter may have had so many things in her day which may have upset her. It is difficult to draw the logical connections between incidents and the child’s reactions. For example, she might be upset because her grandmother who is there everyday didn’t come that morning, or she was forced to share her favourite toy, and now during sleep time she is overwhelmed with her emotions, the last straw is the light being turned off when she wants it on! So, it really helps to just reflect on what stories are going on around the child. Children don’t just hit, bite or scratch because they are bad or because we’ve failed as parents.

First, we have to be sure that we are not modelling the behaviour. When children misbehave, out of sheer frustration we may have given them, a small tap or slap maybe. Now, if we hit, or do raise our hands on our children, then there is a high possibility they will copy our behaviour when expressing their anger. Children learn what they see and experience, and so, unfortunately, hitting when angry may become a vicious cycle for both parent and child.

Second, take a moment to calm and centre yourself. When our child hurts us, it’s natural for us to slip into a power struggle with them. We may want to hurt them back. Show them how it feels to be bitten. When we start feeling that way, we cannot help our children. Excuse yourself from the scene. “I’m really hurt and need some time alone. I’ll be with you once I’ve calmed down. Then take some deep breaths or a sip of water to regulate.

We want to be able to look at our child in the eye, gently hold her hurling hands, and say kindly, “We don’t hit. Hands are not for hitting. Hitting hurts” Short, clear, non-judgemental statements like these really help.

Once the storm has passed and the child she has calmed down, we could say, “Looks like you were really angry. Hitting is not OK. Would punching a pillow help you next time?” Give options that you are comfortable with. Some examples can be tearing the paper, jumping or a running race with you! Rough play is also a great tool to release energy, and connect with our children. Children love to wrestle, pillow fight or dance vigorously.

And if we give them a good fight and allow them to win, we win their hearts too! Parents have shared how teaching their child to calm down by taking deep breaths (maybe using a straw or even blowing bubbles) or letting them bounce a ball has helped them cool off.

Some of us might think that being so compassionate, will only encourage bad behaviour.” Why can’t I just raise my voice, or even hit the child to make them understand that this is not acceptable? They will immediately keep quiet and learn not to throw tantrums.”

When we create a safe space and firmly but lovingly guide our children to vent out their overwhelming emotions without hurting others, we are teaching them how to manage their big feelings. A very important life skill. Coaching our children when they are little is the foundation for them to address difficult feelings respectfully when they grow up.