Parenting our children, who knows best?

Nowadays, when you read about parenting you come across these checklists for parents followed by labels. ‘If you do these things for your child, then you are “this” parent!’

When my son was just a baby, and I was trying to figure things out, I came across all these articles on parenting. They made me wonder what “type” of parent I was. Initially, I was convinced I was an elephant mom because I used to baby-wear a lot, rock my son to sleep and not have any strict schedules for him. Then, when he became a pre-schooler, I enrolled him in some classes which he liked and didn’t allow him to quit when he lost interest. I made sure he attended all the classes I paid for, so according to some articles, that made me a tiger mom now! What about the time I intervened on behalf of my son and spoke to his class teacher about some of the issues he had, instead of letting him deal with it by himself, did that make me a helicopter parent?

You could be any type of parent, there was always an article bashing you and saying you were doing it wrong. It was so confusing. I used to be fearful thinking that whatever I did, I was setting my son up for failure.

We see this happening everywhere, not just with articles on parenting, but as a society at large. We are always judging parents, labelling them, putting them in fixed boxes, or putting them down, forcing them to not follow their instincts. Why? Because they aren’t doing things the way we do. They are doing it differently.

For example, a baby that is colicky might have trouble falling asleep unless the parent held the baby, rocked them, and made sure everyone was quiet, and the room was darkened. This might seem strange and elaborate to a parent whose child has no trouble falling asleep in a room with the lights and TV on. Does it make it right though, for us to judge the first parent, and tell them that they are spoiling the child, by being overprotective? Or for that matter, Should we judge the second parent? Thinking they don’t care about their children enough to provide a quiet and peaceful space to sleep.

We notice that even parents with older kids and young adults, compare and measure each other’s success as parents based on if their college-going kid calls them every day or at least a few times a week. Does this define how well they prepared their child for college?

Amidst my overwhelm with all these thoughts, I went to a workshop on parenting to gain more clarity. I was delighted when I heard the speaker say — ‘You are the best parent for your child’. It made me feel good about myself. When I came home, I mulled some more about the significance of this statement. What she meant is that every child is so unique in their personality that only the parent really knows, and understands best what the child needs. There are no ready-made prescriptions or rules that work for everyone. Besides some general practices like responding with empathy, moving away from punishment, and working with positive discipline, that are good for all to follow, there is no one size fits all method of parenting thatwill benefit every parentand child.

Even the way we parent the same child will vary from time to time, according to the situation, needs, and age of the child. When we see our child being fiercely independent in certain areas, we might be able to build on that and give them some space (thereby becoming a free-range parent!). The same child might cling on to the parent in some situations, and they might require some hand-holding and understanding (like an elephant parent?!). Both are ok.When we see the whole parenting experience just through our own lens, we become very critical of other parents. Maybe this helps us reassure ourselves about our way of being the right way. We need to remember that parenting is the hardest job for any person, and the right way is only what works best for each individual parent and their child at that moment, in that situation.  What all parents need most is support without judgement from other parents and the community. It will be good to keep in mind that what it takes to raise each child is totally different, and we are the best parent when we can go with our instinct of what our own child needs from us, and let the other parents do the same.