Marriage an opportunity to grow, refine and learn

The other day I was lucky enough to observe an elderly couple taking a stroll along the river in Princeton, their steps totally in sync. You could see they had been together a long time. They hardly spoke, communicating their togetherness in subtler ways. They reached a bench overlooking the river, pulled out a flask of tea and some sandwiches, and enjoyed their little feast in silence. She poured the tea with care, gently. He received the cup with similar gentleness. They ate their sandwiches and enjoyed the serenity.

They had reached a stage in their marriage where there was purity in connection and communion. Did this happen because of a life full of perfect harmony and ease? I doubt it. Did they have arguments about how to discipline their children, and how much money was spent last month? Probably. Most couples evolve to this stage in their relationship by going through struggles and difficulties, by sacrificing their personal wishes, and by raising children, grandchildren and sometimes great grandchildren.

This is the other end of the spectrum from the young love of newly-weds, when a couple is much more physical and verbal in their demonstration of love. That is, if there is love in the relationship. We will get to that later.

So which one is better – the exciting early days of romance, or the halcyon days of an elderly couple? This seems like a silly question. They are different stages in the evolution of a marriage, both equally relevant and important. It would be a silly question, but now-a-days most marriages do not last the distance!

Why is it that so many marriages end in divorce? Is it because marriage is an outdated institution? I would say “no”. It is because we do not understand the purpose and stages of marriage, and the nature of love.

The daily grind of modern life is not kind to relationships. By the end of the day, there is little energy left to take care of each other.

We can easily blame circumstances for the failing marriages, but in many ways human beings have never had it easier. It is often not at the beginning or the end that marriages falter, but in the middle when the struggles are the greatest.

What differentiates a couple that is able to withstand the evolutionary process of marriage from the one that cannot?

To look for answers to such questions, where reason and emotions converge, where tradition and contemporary thinking meet, and perhaps, where science and spirituality meet, there is a need for a practical approach to relationships that also encompasses the wisdom of the ages.

In yogic philosophy, there are three types of personalities: sattvik, rajasic and tamasic. We are all a mixture of the three, but generally one predominates, and this can change as we evolve.

Tamasic behaviour is characterized by ignorance and inertia. Rajasic is more about action and passion. Sattvik behaviour is described by purity and wisdom. These three qualities pervade everything we do – the way we walk, talk and eat, and even the way we breathe!

A tamasic marriage is based on individual gain. The groom might be focused solely on the financial status of the bride’s family, or gaining a trophy wife. Alternatively, the bride might be marrying someone much older for money, status or access to an easy visa. Such marriages are transactional and can easily result in mutual distrust and discord.

Today, many marriages are rajasic, based on mutual love and respect along with mutual desire and benefit. There may be mutual respect as well. It’s not pure and unconditional, there are expectations. The other person’s flaws and imperfections cause disappointment.

A sattvik relationship is one in which the two partners don’t think of themselves as individuals, but as one - sacrificing everything for the relationship. The “Gift of Magi” by O Henry portrays this the best. In a sattvik marriage there is purity of intent, and no concern about physical deficiencies or financial status. The best emerges over time, as the family is based on giving and love and is strong.

When children come along in a marriage, the focus shifts from each other to a partnership where the focus is now on the children. Different personality types will respond in different ways to such a shift.

How will each personality type respond when struggles come in a marriage?

You can consider a plethora of scenarios – financial hardship, ill-health, problems with children, death in the family, worries at work, etc.

There always needs to be at least one ‘giver’ for a marriage to work, and if there are two it can thrive. So in today’s world, where advertising encourages narcissism and self-interest, it is not surprising that so many marriages fail or suffer. When we blame and criticize the other person for problems, rather than accepting the difficulties, nothing can move forward. We have become a ‘me’ rather than a ‘we’ culture.

Let’s go back to our elderly couple in Princeton. Life, over the years, brings about a shared evolution. The rough edges are smoothened, acceptance blossoms over time and both learn from each other to be in harmony.

This is the possibility marriage brings to all of us – the opportunity to grow, refine ourselves and learn to love. Through marriage we can evolve into that sattvik state of communion I saw that day in the elderly couple by the river. I hope that more of us will have the opportunity to experience such a state.

That is why in 21st century yoga, family life is venerated far more than the celibate life of a monk. It is through the love and sacrifice, the struggles and acceptance, and the willingness to grow that marriage offers that we refine ourselves enough to realize our fullest potential as human beings.

—Kamlesh D Patel is the fourth spiritual Guide in the Sahaj Marg system of Raja Yoga meditation. He is a role model for students of spirituality who seek that perfect blend of eastern heart and western mind. He travels extensively and is at home with people from all backgrounds and walks of life, giving special attention to the youth of today.