Adapting to the American way of parenting

It is not unusual for those who are about to pack their bags for flight to USA to be in the receiving end of innumerable advice from good Samaritans. “Drive on the right side on the road, watch your speed limit, watch your yield signs, get back your lane discipline, stand behind the yellow line while waiting for your turn in malls and other public places, don’t stare at strangers that might intimidate them...” and others. True, if you are found doing any of these, you are in for legal trouble, but all such advice may sound scary especially when for those geared to board the plane. Is life abroad really that difficult? Not really, when one understands and adheres to the rules of the country. Nonetheless, the advice from well-wishers have ensured that we as immigrants earned the distinction of being law-abiding global citizens.

Interestingly, except for a few cases of domestic violence and traffic violation, Indian names do not figure in the general list of law breakers. Others generally perceive immigrants of Indian origin to be educated and economically well off and law abiding. But then to make it to the good books, Indians have to make a lot of adjustments too.

Topping the chart of adjustments is parenting. The US laws are based on fundamental respect for individual space, even when it comes to personal family and one’s own children. This is quite contrary to the common practices in India, where parenting by force and assertion is never questioned and considered to be fair, even when it infringes on individual freedom of the child. Your child, your property, does not hold true in the US.

Where parents should draw the line between their rights as parents and that of their children as individuals is often a big hassle. The child’s expression becomes the evidence for law. The trigger points for trouble could be a child’s essay at school, art work, general conversations or even a stranger’s complaint on what they see and perceive as threat. So, the parents are expected to not only to be nice with kids but also to make them feel so and express it accordingly.

Disciplining a crying child in public places is often the most challenging one. Even when a five-year-old child rolls on the floor and cries for a toy at the mall, the parent has no choice but to say ‘honey let’s go home now’ or simply buy the toy to silence the kid. Holdingthe hand tight and forcing the child to get up can mean trouble, if someone feels you lost your cool and pose a danger to your kid, a simple 911 call is enough to make your life take a turn for the worst.

The bottom line is never to lose your cool when it comes to kids. Of course, back home they used to be our easy targets. But for immigrants, it calls for a huge adjustment in family values. The children here are taught to complain against physical abuse as a process of learning about self-protection.  Often fear lingers with parents that the child may take a raised voice as an abuse. In the initial days, when a child learns to make phone calls, the fear for parents would be to expect a call to 911 as a complaint by the experimenting kid. These are extreme fears but sure to keep parents at constant vigil, expecting the unexpected.

The practice of trying to discipline a neighborhood child when you perceive them to be at risk in public places, may win laurels in India but is likely to invite legal trouble here. Even in a suspicious scenario, one has to inform the right authority before taking action themselves. Here too, the use of force, how so ever the situation warrants, is not justified. Instead, calling the police for help is considered a safe and justified option.

The ones that have to face the brunt of this are the grandparents. Most often, the grandparents who visit the US during summers have one place to chill – the public parks. To reach this area, however, they have to go through a tutoring process by the family. There is a long list of things that the grandparents should not do, such as touching other kids even to pet even though it could be a genuine expression of elderly care. There have been instances when a child’s complaint of casual situations ended in legal trouble for the elderly.

What’s more? Forgetting the vaccine schedule for your child can also lead to the authorities investigating your parenting capabilities.

But, it won’t be correct to give the impression that every instance of these acts can land one in legal trouble. They can, however, very well lead to long-drawn uncomfortable situations when spotted or complained. Also, during the period of legal process, the child is sent to a foster care — painful situation, both for the kids and parents, having to lose the child’s custody to a stranger.

There is, however, a cause for relief as law enforcement authorities always investigate cases considering the cultural practice and belief of different ethnicities and their background. With the number of immigrants from India on the rise, the discipline expectations from the Indian diaspora are well acknowledged in the US. Yet the investigations when an accusation is brought to the legal notice can never stop and one is guilty of law until proven otherwise. The benefit of doubt always favours the safety and security of the child.

But these laws have, without a doubt, made immigrants modify and adjust their parenting behaviour so that it gets them closer to their kids. This has ensured the spread of less dramatic and calm parenting. Children are guided and expected to follow family rules within their individual space. There is enough room for independent thinking for thechild and for the parents to be suitable guides. As such, immigrant children in the US certainly end up having the best of both the worlds from the parents.