Facing the name challenge in a foreign land

India is a land of diversity. ‘Unity in diversity’ is the country’s hallmark. Yes, we have all read this in our school textbooks, but I am sure not many of us get to understand the literal impact until we are in a foreign land. The way we dress, the cuisine we eat, the festivals we celebrate, etc have different tales to tell, even though we are all Indians.

Of these different practices, the one which stands out and impacts Tamilians living abroad is the thumb rule with which our first and last names are being coined. Does it matter? Of course, and some cases demand serious explanations, too.

On the very first day of entering the US as a spouse with a dependent visa, a Tamilian makes the puzzled immigration officer check the documents with extra attention. Reason being that both spouses have different last names. The scene gets dramatic when the officer looks at the papers and looks back at you. He knows why he is puzzled, but you do not. Is there anything wrong? Not at all.

Just that the officer has to make sure there are no fraudulent activities. Different last names do not make a family for them. But with all the scary tales that people prepare you for the immigration clearance, this silence turns out to be a very tensed moment, but only for you. No worries, with just a few regular questions, you are welcomed with a warm smile.

In the rest of the world, the family will have a common last name. But for Tamilians, the last name is always the father’s name for the husband and husband’s first name for the wife. They end up having two different last names. This is a difficult concept to accept and assimilate for Americans where everything is standardised.

Many embarrassing situations arise, particularly when you enroll your child in school. For those independent ladies who continue with their father’s name as their last name, even after marriage, the embarrassments are harsh. Usually, it is believed that a woman with a different last name than that of the child has to be its stepmother.

“It so happened once that when I had to pick my child from school and the security officer saw that my signature in the register did not match my son’s last name. They made me wait before they could send him with me. They reviewed the records of my child before they released him with me. I stood there muted, portrayed like a threat to my own son’s safety. 

When all was cleared, a good smile led to the conversation on my last name and the usual explanation from me followed. After this incident, I applied for a legal name change. Now my son and I have the same last name. Some would say I overreacted, but my love of playing it safe for him made everything else look silly,” said an immigrant.

Explaining a dramatic experience, a proud mother narrated, “At the labor table, when my baby was born, the team of doctors refused to accept my husband as the father of my child. They kept calling for the father. My voice was weak after the labor. I still remember saying this was his real father. But records showed that my husband’s last name and my son’s last name did not match.

My infant was in the doctor’s hands and my husband was waiting with extended hands to receive our boy. But the name record stood in between their hugs and kisses. My husband would not wait to risk further. Soon, my son’s last name was changed to that of his grandfather, leaving me the challenge of explaining why my son and I have different last names.”

When establishing the legal guardianship or custodianship it is easier to have the same last names in one family. “For this reason, my sister-in-law wanted to change her last name as that of my brother, which is my father’s name. 

This way, all three of them could have the same last name and that becomes their family name. But my mother was so upset over this decision. For her, daughter-in -law should take her husband’s name and not father-in-law’s. It was not the right thing to do, according to the mother-in-law,” said another immigrant.

The names can give you a tough time in the initial days of immigration when you have to apply for a series of legal documents, house leasing agreements, bank account openings, driving licence, social security applications, electricity connections, water bills, telephone connections and so on. During this period, explanations about the first and last names become a prominent subject of discussion.

Usually, when people ask why is your last name not the same as your husband’s we end up saying it is a practice at our place. But that is no escape from anyone inquisitive and who has a little extra knowledge about other Indians.

‘Aggarwal, Patel and Menon are also from India but why do they follow a different practice?’ So, if you answer “Oh, we are from Tamil Nadu.” They may say, ‘Sorry I thought you are from India’. 

This would be a big blow to ignore and end the conversation abruptly. So it continues.  We extend our explanations. Logic prevails in their questions but the answer seems to be difficult and not convincing enough. 

It is here we end the conversation by saying with pride that India is a land of diversity!  Often this has silenced many, leaving them to dwell on what it actually meant.

Thus, of all the unique practices, the last name tradition of Tamilians always attracts a special mention in its global journey.