City’s 1st group for polyamory hopes to find acceptance

A fledgling group of 28 polyamorous people—those whobelieve in “consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy”—in the city, who stumbled upon each other on Facebook only in 2018, confesses that it would have been easier to feel more connected if this had happened earlier, and revealed that Chennai is far behind other cities–even southern ones like Bengaluru and Hyderabad, which have 931 and 767 members–when it comes to embracing non-monogamous relationships.

Veena (name changed), the 25-year-old founding member of Chennai’s Facebook group for polyamorous people, who is a psychologist herself, said, “Polyamory has been around for decades now, and the society still thinks of it as something new. That’s why we formed the group—to have long conversations, book readings and share stories. That’s the thing, communication is crucial. Accepting you are poly really plays an important role in cultivating and maintaining even platonic relationships.”

While monogamous relationships are based on ownership and possessiveness, in polyamory, one is genuinely happy that their partner is deriving happiness from one or more relationships. Veena, who organises meet-ups for the Facebook group’s members at a cafe in Adyar, added, “I know only five or six people in the city who are openly polyamorous.”

Muthumoorthy (29) musician and theatre artist, now an administrative member of the group said, “I found this group when I was confused about being poly—I was depressed and having suicidal thoughts even. Meeting like-minded people made me feel happy, and that in fact, it was okay to be polyamorous.” He has a baby with his former poly partner, who is in a relationship with another person now, and all three of them hang out together. “I have only felt happy that my partner is satisfied, I’ve never been jealous,” he said.

While polyamory is understoodbetter in other countries, people here, not exposed to the idea, believe it is just an excuse to sleep around. “We get membership requests from people who only want to show off that they have a diverse sex life. We turn them down immediately. Being poly is not about having casual sex, it’s about cultivating multiple healthy relationships,” he said.

Is polyamory legal? Richard Wilson, an advocate said, "People are free to engage in any relationship they see fit, unless it is banned, or termed an offence by Article 21 of the Constitution. There is no ban on polyamorous relationships so people can live their lives as they want to. Even adultery, from being a criminal issue,has become a civil one."

Amrita (name changed), a 25-year old student and LGBTQ+ activist based in the city said, “There is quite a bit of cheating amid married couples and even ones in committed relationships, I think it’s better to romantically engage with more than one person, as long as there’s consent from all sides.”

Admitting it would begreat if polyamory is accepted in the society, Amrita added that she doesn’t expect it to happen because it doesn’t fit with the world view society is subjected to. Veena, meanwhile, noted things are definitely moving forward, but at a slow pace. “Particularly kids these days no longer view non-monogamous relationships as something alien,” she said and added, “As a group on Facebook, we just try to meet as often as we can to ensure people have a space to share their stories and feel connected.”