Parenthood: How parents can deepen their bonding with children

Scenario 1: Even when you cannot say Yes, Your understanding can make my pain less

Child: (crying bitterly) I want ice-cream today

Parent: You are unwell. You cannot have ice-cream when you have fever. Why don’t you understand? I will give you ice cream as soon as you get better.

Child: No, no. I want it today

Parent: I have already told you why you cannot have ice-cream. So stop being so stubborn.

Child thinks: You never understand how I feel!!

What you could say instead:

You wish you could have an ice-cream now don’t you? And it’s frustrating that because of your fever you cannot have ice-cream? That’s hard for you.

 We think by giving facts and logic the child will understand. Big feelings cloud the child’s ability to understand logic. So giving logical answers does not make a child feel heard. When they don’t feel heard they fuss more.

Connecting with your child’s feelings helps them calm down even if you cannot fulfil their desires. Your child may cry to express frustration but they feel better just knowing that you understand how they feel.  

Scenario 2:  I fail, you fail, all of us do, what I need is help from you

Child: I got 3/10 in Maths test

Parent: That’s shameful! I insist you to study properly but you just don’t put in effort

Child thinks: I’m bad at Maths. I can never do well.

What you could say instead:

To a younger child: Looks like you’re finding this topic tough! Let’s sit together and practice sums.

To an older child: I can imagine you must be disheartened seeing your marks. Would you like me to help you with studies or get a tutor?

When our children make a mistake we are quick to use that opportunity to point out what they did wrong. Instead of learning anything from our lecture, the child feels inadequate and sorry for him and will even try to hide things from us. 

Being supportive and understanding when children fail or make mistakes helps children become focussed on solutions rather than get disheartened/ stuck by tough situations.

Scenario 3: If you say I must not hit, show me what you think is fit

(Child hits her sibling)

Parent: Stop it bad girl! Why are you hitting her?

Child: She started it. She grabbed this from me. I had it first.

Parent: I saw you hit her! I am fed up with both of you always fighting.

Child thinks: Amma always blames me. She doesn’t see how Anita is so mean to me.

What you could say instead:

I can see that you are angry with your sister. And hitting is not allowed in our house. Can you use words to tell her what is upsetting you?

Or

Would you like to draw on this paper and show me how angry you are?

Or

I cannot allow you to hit each other. Would you like to bounce this ball till you feel better and then tell your sister about your feelings without anyone getting hurt?

Children need to know that ‘All feelings are OK but some actions are not OK’. We have to set limits and stop children from hurting anyone or getting physical. When we show them other ways to express their anger they will learn how to regulate themselves.

Our response to the small things that happen in our children’s lives set the groundwork for them to feel confident to talk to us about the bigger ones. So let’s choose wisely!