Chennai

Self-care has been trending as something exclusive, and something that we should seek outside our routines to pamper ourselves. Luxury consumer experiences such as spa treatments, clothes that make us feel like a million bucks, and holidays, are all promoted as self-care, sometimes including things and activities not accessible to all. True self-care though, can and should be done by all, and works to help nourish and refuel us.

So, while on a tiring day, the relaxing bath, shopping, ice cream can all hit the right notes, and get us back in the calm zone, it is important to assess how we feel after. Does the ice cream make you feel guilty? Do you regret shopping? Proper self-care should actually energise us and improve our view of ourselves, our relationships, our physical and mental health.

To really understand what is self-care, it is important to know what it is not:

• It is not another item added to your to-do list for self-improvement, which only adds extra stress. Instead, it is identifying your needs at the moment, and looking at ways to meet them. For example, if I am tired, my self-care might be to just take a nap, or call a friend for a chat, and leave the untidy room for the moment.
• It is also not a response you have when you are close to a burnout. When we are feeling exhausted and do things to feel better. That is more of an escape from the situation, and our daily challenges, and less self-care. Self-care needs to be built as a habit, or daily routine, so we have lesser burnouts.
• It is not a selfish act that ignores others. Self-care is meant for fueling and filling our cup so we can be more present for others. It is akin to wearing the oxygen mask first before putting it on for others.

I enjoy watching shows of various kinds. At a time when I was struggling to find time for myself, I resorted to binge-watching. While it seemed like self-care it did not feel like it. I did not feel energised. I was sleeping late and getting more tired. I had to rethink it. I now journal as the last thing before bed and the change of activity before bedtime has made all the difference. I still enjoy my shows, although I am aware that after a point, it is not contributing to my care.

So what does self-care really look like in one’s life?

Very often, as parents, we tend to keep our own selves last on the priority list. We don’t attend to ourselves until we are close to a meltdown. In those time it has helped me immensely to remember a quote by Katie Reed, “Self-care is giving the world what is the best of you instead of what is left of you.”

So put yourself in the centre stage, and see what your needs are. Actively plan for self-care and observe where you need it rather than just allow it to happen.

• In relationships it could mean being vocal about what our expectations are, saying ‘no’ to someone or cutting out toxic relationships
• Ensuring that our body gets enough sleep and exercise, and setting specific times for it in our schedules
• Consciously seeking to spend time with our family and friends, old and new
• Feeding our bodies nourishing food
• Finding ways to laugh
• Healing our emotional pains and finding time reflect on our feelings. This could be by speaking to friends and family, journaling, speaking to a professional therapist if needed, or even just speaking up for ourselves when someone hurts us
• Being kind to ourselves — notice what you say to yourself when things don’t go as planned, are you self critical? Speak to yourself as you would to a close friend
• Taking charge of earnings and saving money
• Taking time to do the yearly medical check-up
• Asking for help when you need it. Especially, support for child care
• Decluttering our home and workspace

Start small, pick something that will make your life better, and incorporate it into your regular schedule. Now, a good way to gauge if it is self-care or not is by how one feels not right after the activity, but a little while later. Are you are able to be more present for your children? How is your mood? Do you find yourself more grounded and peaceful? If yes, you are practicing self-care. If you find yourself irritable, easily annoyed, you may want to relook the activity that you did as self-care.

Treating yourself with quick fixes like the holiday, the nice outfit, that good meal, new experiences, or binge-watching your favourite show, are all nice, after all, life is also about little indulgences. However, do be mindful that authentic self-care and enhancing the quality of our lives, happens when we look after ourselves with little acts of caring for our body, mind and spirit in our daily lives.

— Rama Venkataraman is a certified parent educator with Parenting Matters, an organization which empowers parents to build deeper connection in families. To know more about our programs and workshops, look us up www.parentingmatters.in

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