Chennai

As the primary caregivers of their children, parents are majorly responsible for shaping the child’s personality and self-esteem during their formative years.

Parenting methods determine what kind of person a child grows up to be, but beyond actions, even the way a parent thinks about their child can either help or harm the child. Parents often compare their children in harmless parameters like height or physical ability, which is completely normal. 

However, when comparison becomes laden with criticism and judgement, it becomes a toxic environment for the child being compared to grow in. They may be more challenging, more boisterous or even quieter than the other child- traits that the parents may not have been accustomed to seeing, and therefore would be ill-equipped to embrace them. 

Comparison is often explicit, where the parent constantly belittles the child for not having the same talents as their sibling, or for not behaving similarly. However, sometimes it is implicit — such as not acknowledging the achievements of one child while constantly showering the other with praise. This results in low self-esteem, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and anxiety. 

Comparing a child with their siblings can result in an inferiority complex with the child growing up thinking they aren’t smart enough, strong enough or good enough. 

This may cause them to vie for their parents’ attention — sometimes through dangerous routes like truancy or aggressive behaviour. Constant disparaging prevents them from excelling at what they truly like, as they never get the encouragement to pursue what they’re passionate about. 

It fosters rivalry between siblings as the child will begin to resent their sibling for constantly getting their parents’ approval. All of these result in deep psychological scars that can impair the growth and development of a child. 

It is vital to understand that every child is unique, and every child requires love, 

attention and support. It is very easy to fall into the trap of comparing, but a Herculean effort to overcome it. 

A good place to start is to acknowledge your children when they accuse you of comparison, and to listen to them. This not only signals agreement, but also understanding. 

Creating a positive environment is essential. Do not disparage a child when their performance is not up to the standards of their sibling. Instead, gently encourage them by saying, “I know you can do better,” or “I know you have the capability to do well.” 

Use objective praise, and do not indirectly praise the other child (“I know you can do as well as your sibling” would indicate you hold the other child as a benchmark of excellence). 

Positive reinforcement works wonders — rather than asking the child to be as good as their sibling in one field, give them the support to hone their skills in another field. Encourage each child equally in their respective passions. 

Let each child know of the love and pride you harbour for them. A child is their happiest and healthiest when they feel valued and supported. That is possible only if we embrace and encourage their positive traits.

The writer is a teacher at Bhavan’s Rajaji Vidyashram, Kilpauk

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